a million little pieces
by LowkeyLyesmiths
Summary: One day, after a fight at home, Loki disappears. His car is found abandoned by nearby bridge and Tony Stark, seventeen year old prodigy who may or may not be in love with aforementioned missing person thinks things can't get any worse; as usual he's wrong. Highschool!AU
1. Tony

**AN:** Whew. This is going to be a long one and I'm not entirely sure where this is going. It will end in Tony/Loki I hope at the moment but aside from that who knows! Anyway, without further ado the warnings&pairings

**Warnings: **mentions/allusions to child abuse, internalized homophobia, (future) discussion of suicide, bullying, discussion of murder, possibly drug use later idk, we'll see. Crappy writing obviously.

**Pairings:** (atm) Tony/Bucky, one sided Buck/Steve & Tony/Loki, Peter(Parker)/Gwen Stacy, Steve/Peggy, Thor/Jane. Future Tony/Loki, maybe others.

Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine, do feel free to point them out though! Reviews make me write _a lot _faster by the way ;)

* * *

Bucky kisses like he's drowning and Tony thinks he just might be.

He knows Bucky's only pressed against him in Clint's tree house because his best friend Steve 'Captain America' Rogers is straight as and dating Peggy Carter (who scares Tony almost as much as Tasha does). And Tony's only _letting_ him do this because being in lo- because crushing on your friend's little brother is just plain _wrong_.

Now, don't get him wrong, Tony's a 'rules-are-there-to-be-thrown-against-the-wall-and-then-crushed-into-dust' kinda guy but this one's iffy. Thor's a good guy, dim, but a good guy and Loki's well...Loki. It's complicated and Tony really doesn't want to think about it right now but as Bucky presses closer to him and bites down on his lip he can't help imagining how Loki would _tastefeelsound_.

Maybe Tony's drowning too.

He's just slipping his hand in to Bucky's jeans, making the older boy gasp and moan against his mouth when his phone rings. They spring apart like kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar and Tony laughs nervously as he reaches for the mobile.

It's Thor.

"Hey, what's up big guy?" Tony says and Bucky narrows his eyes. Thor doesn't usually talk to Tony; they're sort of two different groups that overlap a little. There's Steve's group; Thor, Bucky, Peggy and Steve's other buddies that sort of blur in to one for Tony then there's his group; Bruce, Peter, Tasha, Clint and Loki.

As soon as Thor speaks Tony knows there's something wrong, something _horribly_ wrong. "Stark? Is my brother with you?"

Tony's blood runs cold. "No, why?"

Thor makes this sound that Tony's pretty sure he'll remember for the rest of his life. It's this muted _howl_ that completely shatters Tony's heart (and ear drums) and all Tony can think to do afterwards is croak, "So not good then?"

There are two things that Tony Stark has learnt about himself throughout his seventeen years of life: the first is that he's not one to do things by halves.

Case in point: he's not only gotten himself kicked out of the insanely posh boarding school his dad had picked out for him, he's gotten himself kicked out of _every_ posh boarding school his dad's ever been able to buy him in to. On top of that he's managed to completely ruin his parent's marriage (and _yes,_ he is just messed up enough to take credit for that.) Now, it's not that he doesn't love his parents, he does, just not together because _Jesus Christ._ Tony knows couples are meant to fight but _God_, having Howard and Maria Stark in a room together was a hundred times more painful than listening to those British boy bands on repeat that Pepper loved.

And anyway, it wasn't exactly intentional. He'd simply been hacking around for some interesting images of the head mistress to slip in to her next assembly when he'd found some highly traumatic emails between her and his father and well. Turned out they'd been having an affair for years. He'd tried to keep it quiet, really he had, but it wasn't that easy and he'd let it slip to Pepper and Happy had overheard and well, the rest as they say and all that jazz,

Long story short his mom had served his dad so quickly Tony was pretty sure the paper's had left scorch marks on the table and honestly, he wasn't too bothered by this. His parents were _way_ happier without each other so Tony was looking forward to two rooms, two birthdays, two Christmases because hey, gotta make lemonade right?

But then it all went horribly wrong as it always does because the second thing Tony's learnt about himself is that whatever he does will _always_backfire horribly and result in something horrifying. (Seriously, he baked cookies with his mom once and brought them to class and half of them came down with some seriously awful food poisoning and don't even get him started on that time he helped that old lady across the street.) So after the divorce was finalized and Tony was all psyched up to help his mom pick out a new house she announced she'd been sleeping with Obi for the past few years and they ran off together to some tiny island with a name Tony couldn't pronounce. It made for some very bad press for daddio's company and lots of people were interviewed on TV about how disgraceful it was and how marriage meant nothing anymore and blah, blah, blah. It was all very traumatic.

So anyway, that's how two years ago, Tony found himself at this totally non-exclusive high school in Malibu, a world away from his old home in New York and Pepper and Happy and Rhodey with only his sullen father for company.

That's also how he got in to this whole mess. The mess being screwing one of his friends and finding himself in love with quite possibly the most confusing (and godamned attractive) guys he's ever met (who was now missing).

They find Loki's car by a bridge. It's empty and for Tony it feels like the world ending, a kaleidoscope of scenarios running through his mind and none of them good.

But the world doesn't stop turning. Tony bunks off school for a few days and Clint, Bruce, Peter and Tasha hole up at his and watch Loki's favourite movies, Loki's favourite shows. They spend a lot of time searching for him too; put up posters, Tony hacks in to a load of websites and with Peter's help they create a viral video to spread the word but nothing works. No one comes back with sightings.

It becomes a big news story, the youngest child of a wealthy, powerful man like Odin running away, abandoning his car. There are whispers around the city that Odin killed him in an argument, that Loki killed himself but Tony's brain just can't marry the words 'Loki' and 'dead' together so he mostly pretends he doesn't hear them. Missing is safe. Runaway. Vanished. But not dead. Never dead. "We'll find him guys, we'll find him."

Neither of them want to talk about why he's gone too much.

_Just find him first._

After three days Howard starts getting snappy and they go back school.

When they walk in (altogether, always together) the whole school seems to stop and stare and whispers follow them all through the corridors. Bruce ducks his head, shying away, Clint and Tasha meet the whole thing with 'fuck-you' stares, Peter acts like their world isn't crumbling and Tony, well Tony just tries to get through the day without punching someone.

By lunchtime both Clint and Tasha have been sent to the Principal's office for decking students who used the words 'suicide', 'emo' or 'freak' to describe Loki so it's just him, Bruce and Peter around their usual bench. They're sitting in silence and there's this part of Tony that keeps expecting Loki to slink around the corner and grin and-

_God, Stark, get it together._

"Thor's still not back at school," Peter says conversationally.

Tony tries and fails to think of a snarky comment but even he knows that there is a time and a place (and usually that time is always and that place is wherever the hell he pleases but not today) Luckily he's saved from trying to come up with an appropriate response to Peter's comment by Steve Rogers appearing by their table. He's flanked by Bucky (who glances nervously at Tony and then stares fixedly at the ground _seriously, Tony wishes the guy could just grow a pair because legend has it once he was once the guy who protected frail little Steve Rogers from the bullies but now Steve's only out muscled by Thor he's sort of just lost himself and it's __**sad**_) and Peggy who's watching them all with a calculating gaze.

Steve's eyes are slightly shiny and Tony inwardly rolls his eyes. Tony hates Steve Rogers. Always has done always will. Steve was the kinda guy who made girls _swoon_ and honestly, who swooned in this day and age? He was athletic, fairly clever, brave, confident, kind, helpful (he's a motherfucking _hall monitor_for chrissakes). _Loki hated him, Loki thought he was so fake_. And most of all Steve likes ruining Tony's fun (stopping him sneaking alcohol in to school, stops him and Clint stealing shit, stops him and Loki bunking class) the only people in their group he hasn't pissed off are Tasha and Bruce. Sometimes Tony wonders if it is all an act.

"I'm really sorry about-about what's happened to Loki," Steve says and Peter inclines his head.

"Thanks man," he says, running a hand through his messy hair. "And you guys are Thor's friends, right? You must be hurting a bit too." Tony wants to growl at Peter but Bruce kicks him in the shins and gives him a pointed look.

"Yeah," Steve says, rubbing his neck. "It's just a shock, you know?"

There's this awkward moment where they talk about Loki and Tony sort of zones out _this people didn't know Loki, they didn't know his eyes got darker when he was sad, they didn't know he was ticklish or that he owned every series of Doctor Who on DVD or that he kept a stash of romance novels under his bed._ They leave and Tony forces himself to smile, ignores the look Bucky gives him full of _why haven't you talked to me, Stark_and goes through the rest of the day on auto-pilot.

Later, he's sprawled in Clint's tree house with Bruce doing homework (yes, occasionally he does it if only to correct the teachers errors) waiting for Clint to get back with pizza. Tasha's off doing whatever she does when she's not with them and Peter's off doing Gwen. Ahem, Peter's off_with_ Gwen, Tony totally doesn't believe Peter's defiling the police chief's daughter and he's not picturing it in his head. (He's also totally not filling in Loki's parts in his conversation with Bruce)

"You know," Bruce says as he folds his chemistry homework neatly away. "If you don't start doing something other than writing snarky comments on your work you're gonna fail."

Tony gives him a who-gives-a-fuck-grin finishes his comment on their teacher's pointless questions and says, "Hell, Bruce, I'm the only heir to a multi-billion dollar company. Who needs a diploma?" And Bruce grins and shakes his head. There's a bruise on Bruce's forehead, another one on his wrist, Tony wants to ask (he already knows, he's seen the way Bruce flinches when his Dad so much as looks at him) but it's usually him and Loki who do this. He bites back his question because Bruce looks at him and _knows_ and looks away quickly.

The tree house has become Tony's second home. They built it together the summer he arrived, he remembers every second of it (especially Loki running home to fetch Thor to help them lift everything despite Clint's instance that he could do it himself which resulted in a broken foot) It's their safe room and it's sure as hell the most high-tech tree house around, water proof, sturdy, protected by automatic looks with face recognition software (okay, so maybe Tony may have over done it with that one) They'd decorated the walls with loads of Peter's stupid photos and posters and silly doodles. The amount of times he's run here in the middle of the night to escape his father's drunken rants only to find a bruised Bruce or Clint, or a sniffling Loki or once or twice a despondent Tasha or an angry Peter. They'd come here every night since Loki vanished, slept in sleeping bags and hoped he'd turn up.

He never did, though.

"Wonder where Clint's gotten to with our food," Bruce mumbles.

"Probably trying and failing to chat up the delivery girl or something," Tony says, standing up to peer out of the window he catches sight of Peter hurrying down the street towards Clint's garden. "Heads up, here comes Peter." Bruce frowns because usually when Peter's with Gwen after school he stays there (or she stays at his) until his Aunt May insists he come home (or that he walks Gwen home) Tony likes Aunt May.

Peter scrambles up the later and crashes inelegantly through the door. "Guys, guys, this is bad, this is _really, really_ bad."

"Loki?" Bruce asks voice slightly shaky.

Peter's breathing heavily and Tony's chest does this funny constricting thing. When Peter's eyes meet his he knows Bruce is right. "Jesus, Peter," Tony says trying to keep his voice steady. "What happened?"

"I was at Gwen's," he pants, "Her dad called. They've arrested Mr Odinson, guys. They think he killed Loki."

The world slows down and the words echo through Tony's mind, imprinting on his brain. _They think he killed Loki. Loki might be dead. Loki might have been killed._

He's seen Loki cry, he's heard Loki scream in pain (that time they crashed one of Howard's cars and Loki got cut up real bad and pinned between the crushed metal and the seat) he's heard Loki plead for help (times he doesn't want to think about) His mind replays each memory, overlaying them and knitting together an image of Odin standing over his crying son, knifebatfistaxegun raised.

He closes his eyes, tries to quell the nausea building in his stomach, _no, can't be true, won't be true._

"What about Thor?" Bruce is asking. "What about their mother?"

Tony opens his eyes. Peter's face is grim. "Don't know about his mother but Thor protested, hit an officer apparently. He's been taken in too."

"_Fuck,"_ Tony whispers because seriously, _fuck._

The tree house door swings open abruptly, making all three of them jump and Clint appears all smiles and pizza boxes. He glances around at their pale faces, "What'd I miss?"

And Bruce says, "We need to call Tasha."


	2. Two

Tasha refuses to leave her house (her parents are away for the week or something) so they pack up and head to hers. By the time they get to Tasha's the pizza has gone cold and Clint gazes at it mournfully before Tasha reminds him that microwaves exist and he looks like he might kiss her (he doesn't which is probably a good move) and Tony feels sort of numb.

When they get into the kitchen they find it's not empty. Tony's eyes widen, "_You._"

Bucky frowns at him, "Yeah, I do live here, you know."

No, Tony didn't know. As evidenced by his surprise.

"Dude, how did you not know that?" Clint says, elbowing past him to get to the microwave.

"I don't exactly frequent Tasha's house, Clint." Tony snaps. In fact he's pretty sure he's _never_ been here.

"Even _I_ knew," Peter adds, helpfully.

"Leave, James." Tasha says, fixing him with a glare and adding a stream of Russian that makes him roll his eyes. Then _James_ makes a face and leaves, thundering up the stairs. "He's my foster brother," Tasha supplies. "Lived her since he was thirteen."

Once the pizza is heated up they head up to Tasha's room and spread out across it; Bruce and Tasha sit on her bed, Tony and Peter take the low couch in her room and Clint situates himself just out of reach of all of them with the pizzas in his lap. For a few moments the only sound in the room is Clint happily munching away and Tony tries (and fails) to psych himself up to talk, but honestly, what is he meant to say? _So guys, time to talk about our possibly dea- missing best friend, who wants to start?_

Luckily, Tasha breaks the silence, "We've really got to stop pretending everything is all okay." She says quietly. "He's been gone four days, it's getting serious."

"He was his usual prissy self at school," Peter says with a small, fond half-smile. Tony doesn't like that smile, it reminds him too much of the one Howard has when he talks about Jarvis, their old butler. It makes something twist within him _Loki's not dead, Loki's not dead, he's __**not**_.

"That's true," Bruce nods, "I mean he seemed fine to me. He was actually pretty happy."

Tony cuts off his brains helpful rendition of some fact he logged away an age ago. Loki _wouldn't_.

"Well," Clint says thickly through a mouthful pizza. "Something must have happened at home, right? Something big. And he ran? I mean Odin didn't kill him that guy was a douche but he loved his kids."

Tony was about to point out that Odin loved _Thor_ but he knew it was a lie; he'd seen the way Odin looked at his younger son, full of regret and longing and love. It was the same way Howard looked at him in his rare sober moments; Bruce had once called it 'the universal gaze of father's who wished they could fix their relationship with their kids.'

"Do we know that he didn't?" Bruce asks quietly, everyone falls silent and turns to him. He fidgets nervously and looks down at his hands. "I mean they must have found something, some kind of evidence or they wouldn't have...I mean Odin's not exactly the kind of man you want to get on the bad side of." His cheeks colour and bows his head.

Again it's Tasha who breaks the silence. She puts a gentle hand on Bruce's back, "He wouldn't, okay? Odin was a dick but he loved Loki, like Clint said."

"If he ran away why wouldn't he have come to the tree house? Or at least called us?" Peter says, drawing his knees up to his chest. "That's what he usually does."

"Maybe he needed sometime alone."

"Four days is long enough," Tony mutters. "We need to find him."

"We will," Clint says, pushing away the empty pizza boxes.

Peter nods, "We need to talk to Thor, he was the last one to see him, right?"

"We won't be able to get into their house though," Tasha says pensively. "It'll be taped off as a crime scene now that they've accused Odin. I wonder why they did that..."

"I could hack in to the databases and see if I can get anything up," Tony says and even as he does so he laughs- it's ridiculous (this whole thing is ridiculous), but the idea that he'll be hacking in to police databases to investigate Loki's possible murder (also the fact that he _can_ hack in to police databases (don't ask why he knows he can, seriously, don't)

"Good idea, so any ideas on where he might be then?"

They stay up till 2am talking about where Loki could be, why Loki could have left and one by one they fall asleep until Tony's left staring at the ceiling and trying to shift Peter off of his feet without waking him. He's not sure how the others are sleeping, he knows he couldn't; not with the images of Loki broken, Loki bleeding, Loki cold and still and stiff and-

He can hear Loki's voice in his head sometimes. That broken plea the younger boy had barely gotten out between his sobs, _Please, Tony, please, I'm tired, I just want to __**go**_

He rolls over, away from the memory and kicks Peter off of him roughly (Peter still manages to sleep through it) and gets up, going to Tasha's door and padding down the hall. He finds the bathroom without too much trouble and splashes cold water on his face. It doesn't help much, his head is still a hurricane, a mess of emotions and Loki (and Tony's never been great with either of those things.)

When he leaves the bathroom he glances around Tasha's house. Aside from her room there are two others along the corridor, light spills out under one of the doors and Tony assumes its Bucky's room. He thinks about knocking but that's never been his style so he throws the door open dramatically making Bucky jump and turn to him with wide blue eyes.

"Fuck, Tony!" he hisses with a sigh of relief.

"Maybe later," Tony mumbles, doing his best to smile. "Can I come in?"

Bucky snaps shut the laptop he's sitting at and nods silently. Tony closes the door behind him. Bucky's room isn't particularly interesting; there are a few photos of him and his friends, a few of him with girls (which make Tony snigger because to the rest of the world Bucky Barnes is straight and it's sad and ridiculous all at the same time) a few band posters and clothes strewn around the place. Tony sits awkwardly on the bed and after a few minutes of silence Bucky joins him, watching him cautiously.

"They've arrested Thor and Odin," Tony says as if saying it to someone else will make it sound more real to his own ears. It doesn't.

Bucky ducks his head awkwardly. "I know. Steve told me." he says flatly. Then after a few more minutes he swallows and says, "Tony, I'm really, really sorry."

Tony knows he should say thank you but he doesn't. He snorts. "It's not your fault."

Bucky's watching him closely and he opens his mouth to say something, probably something about Loki and how it'll all be okay, and Tony doesn't want to hear it so he cuts him off. "I didn't know you were Tasha's brother."

Bucky looks thrown for a few seconds and then he says, "Its okay, not like we talk all that much anyway."

Tony nods, casts around for something else to say and doesn't find anything. Then the words slip out before he can catch them and choke them down. "If Loki's dead I don't know what I'll do." It doesn't sound broken or desperate, they sound bleak, emotionless, _numb_.

Bucky looks at him, really looks at him and his blue eyes look slightly wet, "Tony, I-"  
Tony doesn't want to talk though so instead he grabs Bucky by his shirt front and kisses him hard. _Another friend's brother._

"Lie to me," Tony mumbles against Bucky's mouth as he pushes the older boy backwards onto the bed. "Lie to me, tell me it'll all be okay, tell me everything's fine. Tell me nothing's wrong." He mouths down Bucky's neck and bites down on his shoulder.

Bucky gasps and arches. "It'll be okay. It'll be okay."

Tony closes his eyes and pretends they're back in the tree house before all this started and if Bucky starts whimpering a different name and Tony does too well, neither of them will say anything.


	3. Thor part one

**AN: **thanks for all the feedback :D This is actually part one of a longer chapter but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging! Unbeta'd so any mistakes are my own :)

* * *

Thor is languishing in a jail cell wishing he could turn back time.

His mother is probably at home crying herself to sleep, his father is somewhere else in the station being interrogated for his brother's murder. His _brother's murder. _His brother is...Thor has no idea where his brother is.

Honestly Thor's half convinced this is some awful nightmare.

_"Did you see your father kill him?"_

He'd come home to hear his parents arguing, the front door hanging open. He'd run upstairs and Loki's room was empty. When they were kids Loki would sneak in to his room and clamber in to his bed when their parents argued.

_"Did you help him dispose of the body?"_

When they'd moved from England six years ago Loki had been ten and Thor had been twelve. He remembered how much Loki had hated it, how Loki had once tried to convince him to run away back to England with him. He remembered every kid he'd beaten up for bullying Loki too.

_"We know you know where he is, Thor."_

Thor came home that night and Loki was gone. He'd screamed at his parents, demanded to know where his brother had gone. His mother told him his brother had run off. Thor had spent all night driving around calling for Loki frantically. He'd called Steve and got him to help too; he'd called everyone he could think of.

They hadn't found him.

He'd told his story to the police officers a hundred times. He'd come home to find Loki gone, his car missing too. He'd looked _everywhere_.

His dad and Loki had always had a strained relationship (Odin was an old fashioned kind of dad and Loki didn't really fit in with that) but their father would never have killed him. _Never._

When the cell door creaks open he jumps and glares at the officer who leans in. He's slightly older than any of the other officers that have interrogated him and Thor's surprised when the man smiles warmly at him.

"Hey there, Thor. I'm Detective Coulson, I'll be lead detective on your brother's case; I wanted to apologise for the way some of our younger officers have been treating you and I'm here to tell you that you're going to be released." The man says still smiling.

Thor blinks. "Just like that?"

"Well, to tell you the truth we didn't really think you were involved. We just needed to be sure." He steps further in to the cell and shuts the door gently behind him.

"I thought you were letting me go."

Coulson smiles again, "We will, I just need to ask you a few more questions. May I?"

_"Was it you who killed your brother, Thor? Argument get a little heated?_

"What kind of questions?"

"I need to know about your brother. What was he like? What was his relationship like with you and your parents, particularly your father."

Thor nods warily and the man smiles again. "I'm just trying to help you, Thor." He says and Thor's reminded of the silly cop shows his mother loves so much. _Good cop, bad cop._ But he's tired and his head is a mess of worry and anger and he sighs.

"What do you want me to tell you?"

Tony jerks awake from a dream of Loki screaming and Tony never being able to reach him in Bucky's bed.

The pale sunlight streaming through the net curtains tells him it's early morning and he sits up, rubbing his eyes. He needs to get back in to Tasha's room before any of them realise he's gone because Tasha finding out about this would probably be a bit not good. He slides off the bed quietly and glances briefly at the snoring boy behind him.

Bucky's curled up on his side, face all open and vulnerable. Tony likes to think that maybe what they have together could be real (but he knows it never can be because there's Loki and there's Steve). The thought of Loki makes his heart plummet because Loki's still missing and all he wants_needs_ is to find him.

He can't do anything from here, he decides and right now, still groggy from nightmares, all he really wants is a few more hours in his own bed. He pauses in Tasha's room to gather up his things, thinks about leaving a note, decides against it and leaves. He doesn't check the time till he gets outside. Its 5am and an hour's walk to his house, Tony groans, thinks about going back in (which would involve knocking and waking everyone up) and resigns himself to his fate.

He pulls out his iPod before he starts to walk (skips over the playlist named Loki) and closes his eyes briefly. Tony always thinks better when he's alone; Loki's been gone five days, almost a week, _a week_. They'd already established that Loki had been normal the day he'd gone missing and Tony's pretty sure he'd been fairly happy the week leading up to it too.

He groans in frustration. The last time Loki had broken down, really broken down like into a shivering, nervous wreck had been months ago but Tony would never forget it. They'd been the only ones in the tree house at the time, Howard had been drinking again (it was the anniversary of the separation) and Loki had already been there in floods of tears.

(_Please, Tony, __**please**__. I just want to __**go**__, I just want to __**die.**_)

Tony shakes himself, he never had found out what Loki was so upset about that night, he wished he had. It had been the first time Tony had seen Loki so _broken_. Loki had always hidden it, Tony had known it was there, it was obvious, but he'd never pressed it, he figured if something had been bothering Loki so much he would have just told them.

God, he regrets not making Loki tell him. Maybe he could have helped.

Who is he kidding? He can barely deal with his _own_ problems, let alone someone else's. He probably would have just made it worse; in fact he's sure he would have.

Tony sighs and turns his iPod on full.

When he gets home he falls in to bed fully clothed and ignores the photos on his walls, the one's of him and Loki.

His mother meets him at the prison gates, she holds her head high but Thor can see the unshed tears in her blue eyes. He barely stops himself from running to her (he's only been inside for one night but it's enough for a lifetime) when he reaches her though he can't resist throwing his arms around her.

Coulson had questioned him for what seemed like hours, asking about Loki's friends, Loki's favourite places, Loki's _everything_ and at the end of it all the man had sighed, said he'd question Loki's friends. Thor had asked about his father and Coulson had frowned and muttered something about not discussing open cases, then he'd smiled and pushed Thor out of the door. Thor knew then that something had happened; it hadn't just been an ordinary argument.

"Mother..."

She runs a hand through his hair and does her best to smile for him. "Come on; let's get you out of here. Your friend's have been worried sick." Her voice trembles slightly. "Do you want to stop anywhere to eat first?"

Thor's about to shake his head, to say he'll eat when they get home when he remembers they won't be going home. His house is a crime scene; it's probably still taped off. "Where are we going?"

"A hotel," she says absently smoothing his hair back. "Did they say anything about your father?"

When Thor shakes his head his mother presses a hand to her mouth and sniffs. "I just can't believe this is happening..."

Thor puts an arm around her and they walk to the car in silence. When they get there Thor pauses, "Mother, I need to know, what were Dad and Loki arguing about?"

"Oh, Thor," she says, touching his arm gently. "Can we please not do this now? I've just been questioned by the police and-"

Thor's eyes narrow. "Mother, what were you arguing about?"

His mother sighs, "Can we talk about this in the car, sweetie?"

Tony wakes up to Jarvis the cat pawing him and his phone buzzing on the desk. The sun spilling through the windows was too bright for it to still be early morning. _Fuck._ He pushes Jarvis off him and leans over to check the caller I.D.

It's Bruce.

"What?"

"Where are you, Tone? You're like an hour late for school."

It's not like this is particularly unusual but given the circumstances, "_Shit_."

"Whatever, just get here fast. Principle Fury wants to see us all in his office."

"Double shit."

"Get here quick, Tone."

Tony rolls out of bed and pulls on some clothes that smell clean (there's a green hoodie on the spare bed- Loki's) and thunders down to pound on his father's workshop door. (His dad never works on Fridays) Howard answers the door with a face like thunder.

"I need a ride to school, Dad."

Howard narrows his eyes. "Fine. Get in the car, Tony."

They drive to school in silence and to Tony's surprise Mr Xavier is waiting for them at the gates (he thanks God it wasn't one of the other teachers, like Lensherr, or Fury himself). He's led through the school to Fury's office; Bruce, Clint and Tasha are sitting outside it.  
When Tony comes in Bruce stands up. "You're here, finally."

"Yeah, yeah, I overslept. What's happening here?" he asks.

"Fury's got some detective in there, asking about Loki." Clint says. "They still think Odin killed him or something."

"They let Thor go this morning though," Bruce adds.

"Really? How's he doing?"

"Well his brother's missing and his dad's in jail so..."

"Shut up, Clint." Tasha snaps. "They've already questioned Peter, Steve, Bucky and the others. Steve wants us all to meet up afterwards."

Usually Tony would do _anything_ to get out of spending time with Steve but this time... "What do you guys think?"

"I think the more info and eyes we have the better chance we have of finding Loki," Tasha says and Bruce nods in agreement.

Tony nods and says, "Okay, I'll be there," just as Fury's office door swings open and Steve strides out. He pauses and gives them all a small smile before hurrying out.

"Stark," Fury barks. "You're close to Loki, you get in here next."

"Good luck, Tone," Clint hisses as Tony passes him.

Fury pushes him in to a small room behind his office and snaps, "Behave," before slamming the door. The room is empty but for a table and two chairs, one of which is occupied by a smiling man.

"Hello Anthony, I'm Phil Coulson, I'm the lead detective on Loki's case and I need to ask you a few questions."


	4. Thor two

**AN:** sorry it's been so long! This one is once again Thor&Tony, I'm thinking of doing Bucky next because aaaaangst but I'd love to hear your suggestions (if you have any) As always, ubeta'd and thanks for the faves/follows/reviews :)

* * *

They had kissed once.

Him and Loki.

Tony hadn't told anyone though, not even Bruce or Pepper.

That sounds weird right? I mean, with all the pining (on Tony's part) you would have thought he would have been more proud of it; but he wasn't (and no, it wasn't just because of the whole _someone kissed Tony Stark and didn't immediately fall in love with him_ thing, although that was puzzling) It was strange.

It had happened at Steve's last birthday party, months ago, they'd all been invited but since it was Mr Straight-Edge's party he and Loki had left early and headed to the tree house. Tony had known something was up with Loki but every time he'd asked Loki had just shaken his head and smiled, "Nothing's wrong, Stark, _really_. I swear."

Tony knew it was bull, however good of a liar Loki was (and he _was_ good) he could always tell when the younger boy was lying. Or at least he thought he could. It had only been a week since Loki had broken down and Tony knew something was different about the boy.

When they had reached the tree house Loki had pulled a full bottle of vodka from the pocket of the huge coat he was wearing and well, the bottle hadn't lasted very long. About two thirds of the way through it Loki had started to cry and Tony had very _very_ drunkenly thought it a good idea to point this out by reaching over and wiping them away.

"Don't like it when you cry," he'd mumbled (or at least that was what he'd intended to say, it may have come out slightly slurred) and Loki had batted him a way gently and hidden his face in his hands.

"Sorry, sorry," he'd said, voice muffled by his hands.

"C'mere," Tony had slurred, holding his arms open for Loki. Loki had glanced at him, sniffed and shaken his head, curling in on himself and shaking with silent sobs. Tony had tugged at him more and more insistently until Loki had half slumped, half fallen into his arms.

"Sorry, Tony," he mumbled.

"S'alright," Tony remembered grinning blearily and Loki had smiled back. "You're cold."

"And you're warm," Loki had said muffled again but this time by Tony's chest.

The rest of that evening had been a blur; he knew he'd asked Loki what was wrong several times and he knew that at some point Loki had decided that rather the best way to shut Tony up was with a kiss. The next thing Tony knew he had woken up with Loki sprawled on top of him and a very amused looking Clint standing over him.

It had been awkward to say the least.

So when Detective Phil Coulson sits across from him and asks, "And how would you describe your relationship with Loki Odinson?" Tony has a hard time coming up with an answer.

"We're friends," he settles on, "Good friends."

Coulson nods, shuffles through the file in front of him, "And if there was something troubling him, he would come to you?"

_You'd think so, wouldn't you?_ "Well sometimes, I mean after break ups and stuff he did but I don't know; he was the kind to bottle most of it up." Tony says honestly. Usually when being questioned by law enforcement he'd be lying through his teeth but this is different.

"Uh huh," Coulson says, nodding again. "So, your friend's tell me he didn't seem particularly troubled in the week leading up to his disappearance."

"He didn't."

Coulson nods once more, snaps the file shut and leans forwards, clasping his hands together atop the closed file. _Shit_, Tony thinks because Coulson looks far more serious and intense than before. "Mr Stark, are you aware of Mr Odinson's reputation amongst the criminals in this town?"

"Uh," Tony says eloquently. Everyone knows about Odin's reputation, apparently he used to be involved in some serious gang warfare back in the good old UK and some of it had carried over with him. He wonders if Thor knows, Loki did, of course he did, he was _Loki_.

"Yes," he says eventually. "I mean, I've heard rumours but I didn't..." he trails off but then a horrifying possibility grips his heart. "Do you think that might have something to do with Loki's disappearance?" he asks hurriedly as images of Loki being kidnapped by some drug cartel or gang flash through his mind.

"It's a possibility," Coulson says quietly. "We're hoping not, though. If he had there probably would have been a ransom demand..."

Tony's not sure if that makes him feel better or not.

"Do you still think Odin did something?" Tony asks quietly.

There's this look in Coulson's eyes that scream _yes_ and then he looks away, "We're keeping all options open." He murmurs.

After that Tony doesn't ask any more questions, he answers Coulson's to the best of his ability, detailed, accurate (he hopes) and Coulson nods and jots it all down and when they're finally done Tony's heart aches and his head is spinning.

("I'm broken, Tony, I'm broken and you can't fix me." Loki had said.)

Thor buries his face in Jane's neck. He's only been out of prison for a few hours, he's only been away from his mother for one and gods, he's missed Jane. In an hour they're meant to meet Steve and Loki's friends, in an hour Thor's going to tell them all what he's learnt and they're going to start trying to find Loki.

He's lived through almost two weeks of this. Of not knowing where his brother is, of people at school asking if his dad killed his brother, asking if his brother killed himself, of pitying looks and whispers and gasps behind his back.

He's in Jane's bedroom, away from everything, it's like a sanctuary. He can drown himself in Jane's things and Jane's family and Jane's scent and_Jane_. He runs a hand through her dark hair, presses a kiss to her forehead.

"Are you sure?" she whispers, for the fourth time.

"My mother wouldn't lie to me," he mumbles back.

It's unbelievable, to him at least, incomprehensible. Loki is not his brother. Not his blood. His mother had told him in that spacious, fancy hotel room like it was nothing, a 'by-the-way' kind of thing and he hates her for it because it was not _nothing_. Thor can't imagine it finding out you're not who you thought you were, who you were meant to be.

Thor had growled at his mother, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

His mother had shrugged; spread her hands eyes shining with tears, "It didn't matter to us. It shouldn't have mattered."

It's too easy for Thor to blame his parents for this; his father, the gangster (yes, Thor is well aware of his father's reputation) his mother, all smiles and encouragement (turns a blind eye to her husband's life outside of their house) He knows they love Loki as much as he does even if they don't always show it, it's written all over their faces and maybe that's just it; they all cared, just not enough. Thor hadn't noticed Loki change (looking back he can pinpoint it though, the moment Loki's smiles stopped being real, the moment he grew paler, quieter, skinnier) but at the time he didn't notice a thing.

"We told him two months ago," his mother had said. "We thought he was okay."

Thor keeps thinking of a kid in the year above him who'd killed himself a few years back. (_we didn't see anything,_ they'd all said, _nothing was different except that last day. That last day he seemed happy._) The police asked him if Loki was depressed. Thor didn't like his answer.

"Why did he run away though?" Jane asks quietly.

Thor can't help thinking that if he'd been there this might not have happened. Where had he been that night? A party. A stupid party where Bucky drank too much and Steve politely turned down half the female population of the school (and Peggy glared at them all) He'd left early, Jane had needed to get home to do homework or something but he _should have been there_.

He'd gone to Steve when it happened (Steve lived the closest and Steve was his best friend) he hadn't gone home for two days because _it didn't feel like home_.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Thor finds himself asking. He doesn't want to see his mother.

She nods, "Stay as long as you need." She brushes her thumb along his cheek- it comes away wet and Thor realises blearily that he's crying.

"We'll find him, Thor." Jane says firmly. "He'll be okay."

Usually Thor believes everything Jane says. She's clever (so clever) not just with science and maths but with people, but this time he doesn't feel comforted because there's this hollow feeling where Loki should be.

Tony doesn't go back to class after Coulson lets him leave and he's a little surprised when no one says anything about it, instead he heads out to the sports field and sits down in their usual school hangout spot under the old gnarled oak tree. It takes another two hours for Tasha, Clint and Bruce to be questioned, they drift over to the tree one by one and don't say a word until Clint shuffles over to them sniffling a little (he wipes his eyes none-too subtly before speaking) "We better get going, Steve texted they're all at the diner already."

They pile into Clint's beat up old jeep and technically they're leaving an hour early but again no one says anything. _The_ diner is a twenty minute drive from the school, it's their default meeting spot when Thor and Steve and co. are involved (Tony hopes Steve's co. won't be there) As soon as they get there Clint and Tasha head over to the counter to grab their usual shakes and Bruce and Tony shuffle over to the table occupied by Thor, Bucky, Steve, Jane and Peggy (thank God the co. aren't there)

"So, we all know why we're here," Steve says when Clint and Tasha join them. "We need to find Loki, we all care about him and our best chance at this is if we all work together on this."

"Agreed," Tony says with a curt nod, (he thinks can get along with Steve, hopes he can if it'll help Loki).

"We should probably start with where we actually think he is," Tasha says, "I mean what actually happened that night?" this last part is directed at Thor who swallows and shifts uncomfortably.

"I-uh, there's actually something I found out today that explains a lot." He says before taking a deep breath. "I think my brother was upset because...my parents had told him he was adopted."


	5. Bucky

**AN: **double update this week you lucky things! Thanks for the reviews, faves, follows reviews=faster updates :P

Special warnings for this chapter: drug use and Bucky's issues. Also Peggy channels some serious Sherlock Holmes vibes.

* * *

He scrapes the soft white powder into neat parallel lines; they stand out harshly on the dark wood of his fifth-parent's mahogany desk.

There's the sound of footsteps in the corridor. _Shit._ He scrabbles for the zip lock bag, hurriedly brushes most of the coke into it (most of it falls to the floor, _shit, shit, shit_. He pulls a book out, opens it to a random page, it's hardly a master disguise but it's enough to ensure his parents won't think about kicking him out.

Tasha opens the door and takes in the scene with a slightly amused look. "Reading up on the good old English Dictionary, James?"

He hates that he calls her James. It's the name his _real_ parents gave him; he doesn't want to use it anymore.

"Looking something up for homework." He murmurs.

She snorts, "You don't do homework." She's always been too sharp for Bucky's liking.

"Might start," he says, snapping the book shut and turning to face her. "Why are you here?"

Her expression softens, "You have to stop this, James." She says quietly. He knows what she's talking about, there's only so much he can hide from her. "It's not healthy, you have to stop." Her voice is carefully emotionless but her eyes are soft, worried.

"Don't know what you're talking about."

She sighs, looks away, "The others are downstairs. Coming?"

Bucky bites back a groan. "Be right there."

When she leaves he drops his head to the desk and tugs at his hair in frustration; he doesn't want to see anyone, doesn't want to discuss Loki. Steve will be there with Peggy on his arm and they'll sit, perfect power couple, and parent the group with stupid encouraging smiles. (Bucky hates Peggy.) And Tony will sit making witty remarks while his eyes shine and everyone with half a brain can see he's barely keeping himself from sobbing messily everywhere.

Bucky won't be able to meet either of their eyes because he won't see anything meant for _him_ in them.

It might be selfish but Bucky's never really liked Loki. He's adopted, so what? Bucky's own parents gave him away and he's been shunted around between foster homes ever since. Tasha's parents have given him his longest home but even now he's treading on eggshells lest they decide he's not the son they want and send him back to the foster care system.

He's never liked the way Loki acted like his life was _so hard_, poor little rich boy with his Daddy's mansion and money and name. How dare he when so many of his friends had much, much worse circumstances? Everyone knows about Bruce's dad's drinking habit, everyone had seen the bruises. Everyone knows about the Barton's money problems, about how sometimes Clint and Barney didn't get to eat at home, their dad had a drinking problem too until he crashed his car into a tree and well, cured himself of that nasty breathing habit.

Poor little Loki, his daddy loved Thor a little more than him (maybe Odin got pissed off with Loki's whining too) Bucky doesn't really think Odin killed Loki, he doesn't really think Loki killed himself (although if he did Bucky's a little jealous) Loki probably ran away. He'll be back in a few weeks once he realises what it's like in the real world without his parent's money.

Maybe he hates Loki because of what he's doing to the group (Bucky kind of likes that thought) he hates that they're all so hurt by this.

He sighs, stands up and heads down to the sitting room, wondering when his life became a teenage soap opera. It's ridiculous really: Bucky loves Steve who loves Peggy and is the straightest guy for miles around, Tony loves Loki (Bucky thinks Loki knew and liked to toy with Tony's emotions for kicks) Tony and Bucky are fucking and that's all it is, all it'll ever be. _Pathetic_.

When he gets downstairs they're all seated in a circle waiting for him, he takes his seat between Thor (and Jane) and Steve (and Peggy) and listens to them discuss their plans to split up and drive around Malibu and the cities near it and put up missing posters (because apparently Frigga and Thor's tearful television appeals aren't enough) He loses himself in counting the little swirly patterns on the ceiling above him and only realises they're talking to him when Steve nudges him playfully, "Buck?"

Bucky blinks, "Sorry, what?"

"I said do you want to come up to LA with me and Peggy or go up with Bruce and Tony?"

_Neither._ "Me and Tasha can't both be out, someone has to mind the house." He says, almost automatically. It's true. His-_Tasha's_ parents are on a business trip in Moscow.

There's this awkward moment where they all stare at him and then Peggy (godamn, _Peggy _with her stupid British accent) says, "Come on, James no one's going to know.

Bucky flinches at the use of his real name. No one but Tasha is allowed to use it. "It's Bucky." He says with more bite then is really necessary. Steve's hand curls around her arm protectively as if Bucky's about to launch himself at her. _Really?_

Tasha's eyes narrow, "почему ты так?" _why are you being like this?_

Bucky likes speaking Russian. He likes the way it feels on his tongue, the way no one else knows what they're saying. "Мама и папа будет сердиться." _Mom and Dad will be angry, _he says.

"Они не будут знать, Джеймс. Перестаньте быть так." _They won't know. Stop being like this._

A thread of annoyance weaves its way into Bucky's heart. "I'm not _being _like _anything._" He snaps and Tony's eyes are on him, furious and dark.

"You're acting like a child, James. Stop it." Tasha snaps, like she can control him.

"Не говорите мне, что делать," he hisses. _Don't tell me what to do. _Steve's watching him too, eyes wide and blue, concern and annoyance warring in them.

_God. He needs a fix, just to take the edge off. _

"Bucky, calm down," Peter says softly, there's no anger in his eyes (though Peter's never struck him as the type to get angry) Bruce is nodding beside him, watching Bucky warily and Bucky almost laughs. He's such a _mess._

He stands up, "I'm going upstairs."

"Probably a good idea," Tony says tensely. He's still glaring, Bucky notices, like he's trying really hard not to punch him.

Bucky gets upstairs, barely resists the urge to break something (or everything) does a line of coke, then another.

Falls boneless and blissfully numb onto his bed and sighs.

* * *

When he opens his eyes again someone's knocking on his bedroom door.

"_What_?" he snaps. _Don't let it be Steve, or Tony. _He doesn't want to fight; he's too tired, too muzzy.

The door opens and it's Peggy.

"The hell do you want?" he snaps blearily, scrubbing at his face.

She frowns at him, regards him as though he's nothing more than something horrible she's scraped off the bottom of her stupid shiny shoes. "What I want, James is to know why you're acting like a child. You really hurt your friends, you know."

_Your _friends, like they're not good enough for her, like she's _gracing _them with her presence and worldly knowledge. "Fuck off." He growls. He is nowhere near clear headed enough to deal with it.

She doesn't leave though, instead she strides across the room and stands, hands on her hips before him. "So what is it? It's not alcohol? Is it a drug?" she asks, eyes narrowed.

_"What?_"

She leans down, studies him and Bucky resists the urge to push her away. "Drugs," she says, "Cocaine, is it?" she says so nonchalantly, like it's the most obvious and normal thing in the world and Bucky's honestly too shocked to do much then gape at.

She smiles coolly, "You have some powder there on your shirt." She straightens up. "It's almost as obvious as how in love with my boyfriend you are." She grins again, "Don't worry, I won't say anything too him."

If Bucky was any more sober he thinks he'd probably have thrown her out of the window by now. "The hell are you talking about?" he tries to sound angry, disbelieving, but his mouth is so dry it comes out as a rasp.

She's studying the posters on his walls, "You didn't deny it. I think it's rather sweet actually. I don't understand why you don't want to help find Loki though; you don't like him much, that's clear. Are you maybe jealous of him?"

"_Jealous_?" Bucky scoffs.

"Oh, you are. Is it the attention? Or are you just upset that no one can see how fucked up _you _are?"

"I fucking _hate _you," Bucky hisses, his eyes feel wet. "I _fucking _hate _you_."

Peggy smiles and there are footsteps in the hall and then Steve's leaning in, "There you are, Peg," he says with a small smile. He looks over at Bucky, red eyed and sat on the bed, he frowns, "You okay, Bucky?"

"He's just worried about Loki," Peggy answers for him, shooting him a quick devious look.

Steve crosses the room and drops on to the bed, throws a rough arm around him. "We all are, buddy." He says, like Bucky's some silly little kid.

Peggy sits down beside Steve and he throws his other arm around her. She smiles at Bucky but it looks more like a smirk. "We'll find him, guys," Steve says confidently. "We'll find him."

Bucky wants to turn and bury his face in Steve's neck and he wants Peggy to leave because she's fucking with his head now and he wants more coke because it's the only thing that makes his skin stop crawling because he's just _wrong._

* * *

"Do you think maybe we could search Loki's room?"

Thor frowns at him, they've been allowed back into the house now and Loki's room sits empty and untouched like a tomb. "The police have searched it, Tony."

Tony scoffs, "The police don't know Loki, not like we do." He knows Thor will relent but Tony's not entirely sure if he wants to search Loki's room or if he just wants to _be _in Loki's room.

Thor shrugs, "I'm heading back now to pick some stuff up. You can come now I guess." He's been staying Jane's since he got out of prison; he's going to Steve's for a few nights now. Tony understands Thor's mother has kept so much from him it must be kind of hard to be around her.

Tony stands up, glancing at Tasha, Clint, Bruce and Peter. "Coming?"

Clint shakes his head, indicating Tasha (they've been dancing around each other forever) Tasha's still annoyed about Bucky (Tony's fucking furious) and Peter says, "Aunt May needs me home."

Bruce stands up though, "I'll come," he says.

They follow Thor out of the house to his car, "Shotgun!" Tony calls, running ahead. No one says anything until they're in the car.

"So what's up with Bucky?" Bruce asks quietly.

Tony shrugs (he honest to God just _doesn't know _with that guy, he'll deal with him later though) and Thor sighs, "Bucky's always been a little distant. He only really talks to Steve."

"Yeah well hopefully he gets himself sorted out," Tony mutters. "Last thing we need is another disaster."

* * *

When they get to Thor's his mother opens the door silently and tries her best to smile before disappearing back into her room. Tony feels kind of bad for her, her husband is in prison, her youngest is missing and her oldest hasn't been home in days, it must be lonely. At least Thor had them and Jane.

He leads them upstairs quietly and pauses outside Loki's closed door. "You guys can go in...I just can't right now."

"It's okay, big guy, we get it," Tony says with a small smile. Thor nods and disappears into his own room and Bruce opens the door to Loki's room hesitantly.

It's obvious right away that the police have been through all of Loki's things, the room is neater then it's ever been. The bed is tidy; the books are all stacked neatly on the shelves, there aren't any clothes strewn about the place and it's just _eerie. _

"Wow," Bruce says, "They really were thorough, huh?"

It doesn't look like Loki's room anymore. It looks like a fake copy.

"So, what are we actually looking for, Tone?"

"I don't know," Tony says honestly. He really doesn't. He just needs _something_. _Anything _that might tell him where Loki is.

"Well, we better get to it," Bruce says with an encouraging smile.

They search through Loki's room slowly, starting at opposite ends. They find Loki's stash of vodka and cigarettes (which the police obviously hadn't), the remains of a box of fireworks they'd stolen last November, a few old sketch books which Bruce flicks through quietly. Tony also finds an old hoodie he'd leant to Loki months ago and puts it on over the top of his shirt. It smells like Loki and it's sort of comforting.

"Ergh," Tony groans in frustration after an hour of searching, "There must be _something_. I mean if you were about to run away wouldn't you leave something? Did the police say if he'd taken anything?" (They may or may not have hacked into the police database and scoured the incident report for clues)

Bruce shut his eyes, "Uh, it said he just came up here and grabbed his school bag, right? And a jacket."

Tony nods, "Yeah, but most of his school books are here so he must have emptied them out. Did he pack anything else? I mean aside from his car keys and wallet and stuff."

"I don't know, I mean he left his mobile here, most of his clothes are here too. What else could he take?"

The phone is on the other side of the room, plugged into the charger.

Tony growls and flops backwards onto the bed, "I don't_ know_."

Bruce sat down beside him, "Maybe he wasn't thinking, Tone. I mean he might not have actually planned _this._ And if he did why would he abandon his car?"

Tony burrows deeper into his hoodie. "Maybe he didn't want to be found."

* * *

He gets the call later that night.

He's home alone for once, no tree house tonight, no one sleeping over, he'd spoken to Pepper and Rhodey earlier over Skype and they'd offered to put some missing posters up but Loki never struck him as a New York kind of guy. Tomorrow they'll spend all day searching for him, tomorrow maybe they'll find him (_hopefully)_

It's Steve.

"What's up, Captain America?"

He hears Steve frown at the nickname, "What?"

"You know, blonde, blue eyes, big, strapping, the all American boy, or is that Aryan? Whatever, Captain America is catchier. Or at least less racist."

"...Right." Steve says slowly and Tony can hear Thor's low rumble on the other side of the line.

"So, anyway, Cap, what did you want?"

There's a pause and then, "Do you know what's up with Bucky?"

_Nope. _"Why would I know, he's your best friend, right?"

Steve sighs, "He doesn't talk to me anymore, not since..." _not since I started dating Peggy_, it's unsaid but Tony hears it all the same. "But he spends a lot of time together and I just thought...I don't know. You honestly have no clue?"

_I wish. _"No idea, Steve. Have you actually tried asking him?"

Steve's silence tells him he hasn't.

"So maybe try that. If not I'll talk to him."

Tony hangs up and flops back on his bed, still wrapped up in the hoodie from Loki's house. He taps his phone for a few seconds before dialling a number and raising it to his ear. It rings for about a minute before going to voicemail.

_"Hey, it's Loki, I'm too busy with world domination plans to take your call but you know, leave it at the beep and I'll get back to you...maybe._"


	6. Bucky two

**AN: **sorry it's been so long! This fic is _hard. _Last part of Bucky's chapter. Anyone have any preferences for the next chapter's pov? :D

Thanks so much for all your reviews! Keep them coming ^_^

* * *

Tony sighs.

He really doesn't need this right now. He's in love with a guy who's been missing for almost two weeks (and might be dead or might have killed himself), he's spent the better part of his weekend looking for him _and_ his Dad has an important meeting coming up (which means _way_ more drinking and _Tony you better godamned behave yourself_!)

He's just gotten back from poster-ing the streets of LA with Bruce (they've been at it for two days and still got no leads) They'd driven back in silence, met up with others and seen only dull, sullen faces. No signs of Loki. The police are questioning local gangs and associates of Odin (but still, Tony's hoping it's not a kidnapping- they would have left a note, right? A ransom demand or something) He's not going to school tomorrow, he and Clint and Tasha are bunking and driving down to a few other towns to put up missing posters.

What he wants to be doing right now is sleeping (well, lying in his bed dialling _that_ number over and over which is kind of the same thing) but instead he's at Steve's house.

Steve's parents are possibly the straightest, whitest people Tony has ever met, it's like stepping back in time to the '40's or 50's. His father, the gruff ex-army officer who overuses the word 'lad' and his mother the pretty housewife, forever baking and coddling her only child.

If Steve doesn't hurry up they're going to end up butchered on the living room floor. Or maybe Tony will end up slitting his wrists and bleeding out on the couch. Either way their flawless white carpet is going to need a thorough cleaning.

"Are you sure I can't get you something to drink Anthony?" Steve's Stepford mother simpers. _Anthony._ No one calls him Anthony.

"I'm fine thank you, Mrs Rogers," Tony says through gritted teeth. She smiles and nods and hovers awkwardly in the doorway.

"Steven will be down in a minute, I'm sure."

_He fucking better be._

Steve arrives just as Tony's wondering whether it's possible to chew your own tongue off out of boredom (he reasons that if you didn't pass out from the pain and you had _really_ sharp teeth it just might work) He smiles sheepishly, "Sorry to keep you."

"Its fine," Tony says, turning towards the front door and yanking Steve with him. They get halfway down the street before Tony spins to face Steve, "What do you want, Rogers?"

Steve raises an eyebrow, looks like he's about to lecture Tony on manners (which has happened before) but thinks better of it. "I wanted to talk about Bucky."

"Bucky." Tony repeats. "Loki is missing and you want to talk about Bucky."

Steve ducks his head and rubs at the back of his neck, "I'm worried about him," he admits quietly. "I don't want him to..."

"Want him to what, Steve?"

"I don't know, I just...We don't want another..."

If Steve says Loki Tony's going to punch him.

"Disaster." Steve finishes lamely.

Tony had said as much to Bruce but he's got enough on his plate with Loki and Bucky's a big boy, he can handle himself (but then he always thought that about Loki.) They were all messed up. All of them falling apart at the seams but he'd always thought they'd turn out okay. Before this all of them had looked away when Loki refused to speak to anyone or when Bucky disappeared for a day or to or when Bruce came to school in bandages and casts. It was easier that way. If they wanted to talk they would, if not they all just got on with it. Maybe that was wrong.

"You still haven't tried talking to him, have you?" Tony asks, crossing his arms.

"He won't talk to me," Steve mutters. "He talks to you, though."

Tony scoffs, "No, he doesn't. We just drink together. Look, Rogers, as much as I _love_ these late night strolls I really want to get home to bed so could you just-"

Steve steps forward, "Tony, _please._ I know you're upset about Loki and I know how you _feel_ okay? Because on top of worrying about Loki I'm worrying about Thor and you guys _and_ Bucky."

"Oh, like I don't worry about anyone else." Tony snarks. Steve gives him a pointed 'Tony-you-know-damn-well-what-I-mean' look.

"Tony, if you had a chance to save Loki wouldn't you take it?"

Did he really just say that? "I'm sorry, what?"

Steve winces, "Sorry, that was out of line."

"Damn straight!" Tony snarls. "This is _your_ problem, Rogers."

Steve glares. "Don't you care?"

"Of _course_ I care! But honestly, Bucky's been like this for _years_ it's not my problem you're only noticing it now." he mutters. "I don't have time for this." He turns to walk down the street; Steve only lives a few blocks away from his house-

Steve cuts in front of him, "He hasn't been like this for months, Tony, he's getting worse."

"So deal with it," Tony says, trying to dodge around the taller boy.

"Tony, wait-"

"For fucks sake, just drop it! How about spending time with him _alone_ rather than bringing Peggy everywhere. Anyone with a brain cell can see he hates her!"

Steve cuts off his escape again. "Did he say that? Why wouldn't he like Peggy?"

"Oh my god. You're actually blind, aren't you?"

"What are you talking about?" he frowns and Tony has to bite back a laugh. Steve is so blind, he's so quick to believe the best about people that he's stopped actually _looking_ at them.

"Why don't you ask Bucky?"

"I told you!" Steve cries despairingly. "He won't talk to me!"

This time when Steve tries to cut off Tony's retreat he physically shoves the older boy back. "He doesn't talk to me _either_! How are you not getting this!?"

"Because you spend so much time with him, that's why!"

Tony snaps.

"WE'RE JUST _FUCKING_ OKAY!"

Steve leaps back as though he's been bitten, "_What_?"

And oh shit Bucky is going to _kill_ him.

"Tony what did you just say?" Steve asks eyes wide.

Tony opens and shuts his mouth a few times because what the fuck is he meant to say? Then his phone rings (and Tony is so going to fucking worship whoever is saving him from this situation) It's Peter.

"Tony? Get everyone and get to the tree house, they've let Odin go and they've found something! I'm at Gwen's; I'll be over once I work out what they've found." And then he's gone and Tony's shouting at a ghost.

"It was Peter, they've found something. We've got to get to the tree house."

Steve opens his mouth before nodding. "I'll drive."

* * *

"Come on, we're going to Clint's," Tasha says, dropping beside him on the couch.

Bucky's dozing, drifting. He yawns and arches slightly into the cool leather of the couch. "Wh-what?"

Tasha touches his cheek. "Come on, James." She says quietly. "They've found something in Loki's case."

He sits up. He hasn't seen anyone for days, "Your parents get back today." He mumbles, running a clammy hand through his hair. He can feel himself coming down, he's trembling slightly. God, he'll need a fix if he's going to see Steve tonight. He's been avoiding him, ever since his conversation with Peggy.

She stands up, knowing he'll follow and pads out of the living room. "They're your parents too." She says softly disappearing into the hall.

He sighs as he stands, stretches and heads upstairs, mumbling to Tasha that he's just going to grab a jumper. He yanks open the drawer where he keeps the little box that no one looks in. He tells everyone it's something from his real parents, in reality it's a little zip lock bag filled with white powder.

And it's empty.

"_Fuck._"

He doesn't have time to phone his dealer so instead he pulls out the bottle of vodka he keeps under his mattress and downs three cap-full's. It's not the same but he hopes it'll do. He pockets the bottle.

Tasha's already waiting in their beat up old car, stoic as ever. "All ready?" she asks coolly. She knows. He knows she knows. Maybe she emptied his little bag. Bucky smiles icily, "Ready."

They drive in silence.

Everyone's already seated when they get there. Tony, next to Bruce, is practically shaking with excitement, beside them Steve is sat calmly. He looks up when Tasha and Bucky clamber up and Bucky carefully avoids his gaze (he doesn't want to see the hurt in Steve's blue eyes or Peggy's hickey on his neck). Thor is absent, probably home hearing whatever news they're hearing through more official means.

Peter scrambles up moments afterwards and Bucky sinks back against the tree house walls. _He doesn't need to be here._

"They found something; one of Loki's cards was used in New York." Peter says, brown eyes alight with excitement.

"Oh my God!" Clint says just as Tony says, "_New York?_" and Bruce says, "I thought all his cards were accounted for?"

Peter nods, "They were, the ones he used regularly anyway. Apparently this one was an emergency account Odin set up for both his sons."

"So he's alive?" Tony breaths, he sounds so happy, something twists in Bucky's heart.

"Wait a second, if he ran away he'd know that the card could be traced. Why would he use it?" Bruce asks.

"Maybe he was desperate?" Clint suggests.

"Maybe," Steve echoes. "And that probably means he wasn't kidnapped. I'm assuming that account didn't have that much money in it, plus they wouldn't have waited this long, would they?"

"Who cares? I'm going to New York tomorrow," he announces. "Who's with me?"

Bruce, Clint and Tasha raise their hands without hesitation. "I'll come too," Steve says. "Since I'm the only one who's legally _allowed_ to rent rooms and everything."

Tasha nudges Bucky. He turns away. He doesn't want to road trip with Steve. Peggy will no doubt come along too. "James will too." Tasha says in her 'don't-fuck-with-me-voice'. Steve beams. Bucky groans.

They plan out their route and trip for the next hour or so. Peter elects to stay at home and relay information back and forth. Bruce leaves first, then Steve who heads over to Thor's to fill him in, Clint and Tasha disappear to his room so she can help him pack. Bucky's not sure how but he's ended up alone with Tony.

The other boy is fidgeting, all his giddy joy has dissipated and Bucky frowns. "What?"

Tony stares mutely for a few seconds and Bucky sits forward. If Tony Stark is speechless this must be serious. "What did you do, Tony?"

Tony looks down, apparently suddenly fascinated by the small tear in his jeans. "I um, I may have accidently told Steve we were fucking..."

"_What?_" Bucky's heart stops. "You're joking right?" _Oh god, oh god._ "Please tell me you're joking."

Steve will hate him.

Tony's eyes meet his reluctantly. "I'm sorry Buck," he says quietly.

"No." Bucky says. "No. You didn't. You _can't_ have!"

Steve will tell people. _Oh god._ What if Tasha's parents find out. They'll send him back to a foster home. Who wants a gay, fucked up son?

He'll lose all his friends.

Tony stands, moves forwards. "Bucky, you need to calm down." He says, slightly panicked.

_How can he be calm?_

He can't even breath.

"Shit," Tony says. "_Shit,_ Bucky calm down! Hang on, I'll get Tasha. Awh, shit. Bucky don't cry!"

Bucky hadn't even realised. Tony leans down and awkwardly rubs his shoulder. It's ridiculous. They've been fucking for months but any tender gesture between them is so _forced,_ so fake.

Bucky flinches away. "Don't _fucking_ touch me." his skin is crawling.

"Bucky!"

Fucking Tony Stark. He doesn't really care. Bucky growls and shoves him off, shoves him back _hard_. "Fuck fucking _off_, Tony!"

He scrambles down the ladder with difficulty.

He still can't fucking breath.

His world is about to fall apart.

He thinks he hears Tony call after him but he's already out of Clint's yard and in the street, his vision blurred with tears.

Tony catches up with him, grabs his arm and Bucky yanks it away.

"Bucky, I'm _sorry!_" he repeats. He really is.

"No you're not," Bucky snaps. "You know what? I don't even care. Why _should I?_ Because I know something you _don't._"

Bucky is very obviously drunk; Tony can smell the alcohol on his breath. Tony grabs his arm again to hold him steady.

The other boy sways, "I was the last one to speak to Loki. He asked for you 'cos he knew you were seeing _me_ that night," Bucky slurs. "I told _him_too. You should have seen his fucking face, Stark. He was _so_ fucking pissed."

Tony lets Bucky go. "What?" he asks quietly.

"He was _crying_, Stark. I sent him off, told him you wouldn't care."

Tony's eyes are wide and this time when Bucky runs he doesn't follow.

* * *

Bucky keeps running until he hits something hard. Something that makes a soft noise of surprise and wraps its arms around him and says, "Bucky? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Bucky mumbles, he's crying again. _I'm sorry I lied, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I'm sorry I fell in love with you and fell into bed with another guy. I'm sorry. __**I'm sorry**_. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Steve tightens his arms around Bucky. "It'll be okay, Buck. I've got you. You'll be okay."


	7. Tasha

**AN: **it's been a while and this is short and silly. blah. Sorry guys!

It's Tasha's pov (yay) and Clint's characterisation is a little shakey so I hope he's not too OOC.

ROADTRIP TIMES!

Unbeta'd and enjoy. (Also if haven't seen _Little Miss Sunshine_ I don't know what you've been doing with your life)

* * *

Tasha sits and watches her friends fall apart.

She wonders sometimes why no one else sees it. No one seems to see the way Clint's clothes hang off him in places or the way he wolfs down the hot school lunch like he's never seen food before (poverty will do that to you.) No one sees the bruises on Bruce. Or the way Tony subtly flinches every time he looks in a mirror.

She wonders what people see when they look at her.

They're all cracked, like old china plates, scarred, all it'll take is a sharp tap in the right place and they'll be in pieces, fragments, shattered. It's become something like a game to her; who'll break first? It's not that she doesn't care because she really,_ really_ does, it's just she doesn't quite know _how _to care.

Case in point: Tony is currently falling apart because Loki's missing and she has no idea how to deal with either of those situations. Another example: her brother, or as close as she's ever going to get to a brother, is in love with his best friend and slowly killing himself. Another: she's pretty sure her best friend is slowly falling in love with her and she has _no _idea what she's supposed to do about that.

She misses Loki. She misses Loki _a lot._

But she's not stupid, she's not naive; she knows he's probably dead. Not that she'd say that out loud though. She's not cruel. She doesn't want to shatter her friend's tenuous hope.

"Do you think we'll find him, Tasha?" Clint asks from where he's trying to stuff what looks like a month's worth of crisps into his already bursting holdall.

She meets his gaze steadily. "Yes."

He sighs, "You're lying."

Tasha blinks and Clint smiles softly. "I can tell, you know."

"Liar," she smiles.

He grins back, "You're far too cynical, Nat."

Sometimes she marvels at Clint. He's had the same hard life they've all had (though she's by now convinced that no one's life is easy) but he can still smile brighter than the rest of them. "I haven't seen much to make me optimistic, Clint."

Clint manages to zip up the holdall and whoops triumphantly, "What about that?"

She smiles, "_Aside _from you being able to pack your food."

Tossing the holdall aside he scrambles up on to the bed, "Well, Loki's card being used has to mean something right?"

"I guess, but if Loki doesn't want to be found he won't be. He's smart Clint."

Clint ponders this for a moment, fiddling with a hole in his duvet. "Maybe. But he must know how much this is hurting us."

Tasha's about to reply wondering whether Loki would care that it was hurting them (which is silly in one respect but in another she knows enough of pain to know how blinding it can be) but they're interrupted by her phone vibrating loudly on Clint's bedside table.

"Steve? What's up?"

"I'm gonna keep Bucky at mine tonight, okay? He's a bit...drunk." Steve says, he sounds tired, worried.

"Is he okay?" she asks immediately.

"Yeah-yeah, just a bit wound up, you know. Listen, I gotta go, okay? I left him in my room and I don't...I just don't want to leave him alone too long."

She bites her lip, "You don't want me to come get him?"

"No, its okay, Natasha. I'll bring him with me tomorrow, alright?"

She's sure that it's not, in fact, alright but she sighs, "Okay. You'll call me if anything happens though, right?"

"Right. See you soon."

He hangs up and Tasha listens to the dial tone for a few seconds before letting the mobile drop onto the bed. Clint rubs her arm soothingly, "Everything okay?"

She sighs again, "Buck's drunk. Steve's got him over at his."

He makes a small sympathetic noise and pulls her closer to him gently. For once Natasha doesn't resist and leans against him. "He'll be okay, Nat."

She closes her eyes, "Everyone's falling apart." She says quietly.

"We were always falling apart, Nat. This has just sped it up a bit."

They jolt apart when there's a knock at the door and Clint's older brother Barney sticks his head in nervously, "Clint, one of your mates is here, Tony."

He steps back and Tony shuffles in to the room, eyes a little red and shuts the door behind him. Tony looks up at her, "Where's Bucky?" he asks almost inaudibly.

"At Steve's," she leans forwards, eyes wide. "Tony, what's wrong?"

"That fucker," Tony murmurs, tugging at his hair. "That _bastard_."

"Tony," Clint stands; ready to catch Tony if he did anything stupid.

Tasha stands too, "What's wrong?" she repeats.

Tony glares at her, brown eyes dark, "That fucking bastard lied to us, Tasha. He lied to _everyone_ about Loki." He spits.

"Who? Bucky?"

_"Yes_. Bucky."

"No," Tasha says because Bucky wouldn't lie about something so serious. _Would he?_ "When did he tell you? What did he say?"

"Earlier tonight!" Tony's voice shakes. "He said...He lied about the last day we saw Loki. He said he was the last one who spoke to him, that Loki asked him if he'd seen me and that bastard told Loki I didn't care about him."

_No, _she thinks. _No, he wouldn't be so petty._

"What? When did he see Loki?" Clint asks.

"I don't know. He fucking ran off." Tony runs a hand through his hair and swears a few times. "I _fucking_ hate him."

Clint glances at her, "Maybe we should phone Steve? See if Bucky's up?"

Tasha shakes her head, "If Steve was too worried to leave him alone I doubt he'd be up to talking. Probably wouldn't even remember what he said."

"This is serious, Nat," Clint says quietly.

She glares at him, "I _know _Clint. I'm not an idiot. _Ебать_."

"Should we call Coulson?" he asks.

Tony looks up and shakes his head, "He'd haul us all in for questioning. We need to get to New York as soon as possible."

"Guys this could be _serious,_" Clint says again.

"We know!" Tony snaps then he sighs. "Maybe we can call Coulson once we've already left."

"No, he'd come after us, bring us in anyway." Tasha says.

"_Fine_, we'll just give him Bucky to question."

Natasha glares at him, "Then I'm staying."

Tony bristles and Clint shakes his head, "Nat-"

"He's my _brother_. You'd stay if it was Barney."

"Maybe it doesn't matter so much," Clint mutters. "I mean either way Loki's gone, does it matter when Bucky spoke to him?"

"It might make a difference," Tony says, sitting down on the floor and drawing his knees up to his chest. "I mean if he spoke to Bucky after the argument at home then it proves Odin didn't kill him. Then at least."

"Shit," Tasha whispers. "_Shit_."

Clint sits back down on the bed and scrubs at his eyes. "What do we do?"

"It's your call, Tone."

"I don't know," Tony mutters, cradling his head in his hands. "I don't fucking know."

* * *

In the end he decides they'll go to New York and call the police afterwards.

They get up early (he stays at Clint's mostly because he didn't trust himself not to go home and break something expensive because _fucking Bucky_) and pile their things in to Barney's beat up old camper van. It's a rusty red colour but it's the only vehicle they can find that'll fit them all in. Bruce meets them early and they end up waiting around almost thirty minutes for Steve and Bucky (thankfully Peggy isn't with them.)

"Where's Thor?" Clint asks as Steve climbs out of his car (and Bucky stumbles, blinking in the bright light) Tony would have already launched himself at the fucker were it not for Tasha's tight grip on his arm.

"He and his dad aren't allowed to leave the State." Steve says. "And guys, this is a two day drive if we do it nonstop. Are we sure we won't to be doing this?"

"No," Bucky mutters. Tasha elbows him and says something in harsh Russian that makes him pale. _Asshole. _

"We need to find Loki," Bruce says and Tony nods.

"Come on, Cap. All aboard the hippy wagon. Maybe we can get a little crazy. It'll be fun, a road trip, like _Little Miss Sunshine_."

Clint stares at him.

"So what? It's a kickass film."

"It's about a beauty pageant," Clint says with a small half smile.

"Let's hope it's a little more successful than that and one of us doesn't drop dead mid-trip." Tasha says darkly, steering her brother into the van.

"Alright then," Steve says. "Let's get going."

They all clamber in and even though Tony tries to seat himself beside Bucky he ends up between Clint and Tasha (with Bucky sprawled in the back seat) and Bruce riding shotgun. Peter comes down, hair sleep tousled and t-shirt back to front to wave them off and promises to keep in touch, Clint picks out one of his brother's mixed tapes to play and then they're off. They chatter and Clint even gets him and Steve to sing along to a few songs. They even play I-Spy once or twice.

They're driving for almost four hours before Tony can't hold himself back anymore.

"So, Bucky," he says conversationally, there's an answering grunt from the hung over boy in the back and Tasha grips his arm.

"Tony, don't." She says quietly.

Bruce turns around in his seat, "Don't what?" he says curiously.

He yanks his arm away. "I just wanted to continue a conversation we were having last night."

Bucky makes a sound of mute horror. In the front seat Steve stiffens and his ears redden a little.

"You know the one where you were telling me all about your little talk with Loki."

"_Tony_," Tasha warns.

"'cos we were just wondering whether you thought about telling the police. You do realise that if you had Odin and Thor might not have been arrested."

"Tony," Bucky mumbles, scrambling to sit up. "Tone, don't- I didn't...I was drunk."

"Oh, I know. But you've always been more truthful when you're drunk. Like when you were telling me about Steve."

Steve frowns in the rear-view mirror and Bucky's eyes are wide with horror. "Tony, what are you doing?" Steve asks quietly.

Tony smirks at him and leans closer to Bucky, gripping his shirt front. He can feel Bucky shaking. "Because of you Loki's gone," he hisses. "If you'd told him to come to me he might still be here."

Bruce is straining to hear what they're saying and Steve's paying them more attention than the road. Tasha is tense beside him, glaring and radiating hostility, Clint is mute and Tony's sure Tasha will make both of them pay later but right now he doesn't care. He just needs to make Bucky _hurt._

"He's in love with you, Steve." Tony says calmly. "He has been for years."

The whole van is silent.

Bucky goes pale.

"I'm gonna be sick..." he mumbles.

Tony turns back to the front of the van. Steve's gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are white.

"Pull over, Steve," Bruce says quietly.

Bucky scrambles out of the van as soon as it sputters to a halt on the side of the road; he makes it a little way off before he falls to his knees and wretches. Tony can't help but feel a sick sense of satisfaction.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: **Hey! Double update this week (this seems to be a pattern) the road trip will end next chapter so I think it might stay in Tasha's pov or maybe Steve or Bruce. Preferences? Also. Sorry Bucky's kind of stealing the show. I just love him. _ A lot. _And i need more angsty Stucky in my life.

Thanks as always for all your feedback :D I'm going through an extended rough patch so it really makes my day :)

* * *

They pull into a sleazy motel at almost midnight and give false names because it seems like the thing to do. She and Tony go into the office while the rest of the group sit in silence in van. Tony has enough money to get them all separate rooms (which Natasha thinks is probably a good idea at this point) but he doesn't. He pays for two with two double beds in each room.

She offers to share with Bucky and she knows Clint will take the other bed in their room. Tony, Bruce and Steve will take the other room. They walk back to the van quietly and find Steve and Clint already unpacking, Bruce is on the phone to Peter and Bucky's still sat curled in to himself in the back, carefully avoiding everyone's gaze.

When they approach Steve straightens up, turns to them and clears his throat. "I think we should uh- talk about what happened earlier."

He's met with a glare from Tony and a muted squeak from Bucky- Natasha's pretty sure that Steve's referring to the Loki thing rather than the _other _thing but who knows. Steve might want them to sit around and open up about their feelings or something.

"Maybe we should all unpack first?" Bruce suggests.

Steve nods and Natasha takes up her bag, "Come on, James." She says quietly. Bucky follows her and Clint up to their room and crumples on to the bed as soon as they unlock the door.

Natasha drops her bag and heads straight to the bathroom; she's in dire need of a long shower. The shower is filthy but she's past caring. She locks the door, strips and turns the water up to scolding.

When she steps out and pulls a fresh outfit on she feels a little less like committing mass homicide. She leaves the bathroom to find Bucky alone in the room, still sprawled across the bed facing the wall.

"Where's Clint?"

Her brother jumps and rolls to face her, "He's gone to the diner down the road with Bruce. They're seeing if they deliver." He sits up and looks at her, half reluctantly, half expectantly. She sighs.

"Was Tony telling the truth?"

Bucky looks away. "Yes."

"About both things?"

She watches as he clenches his fist in the sickly orange bed sheets. "_Yes._"

"For God's sake James," she whispers because she knows her brother is an idiot. She just didn't think he was _that _stupid. He glares at her, or at least she thinks he's trying to glare. It sort of looks like he's steadfastly trying to avoid crying. She runs a hand through her hair.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks quietly.

She looks back at him and almost says 'No, I'm just disappointed' which is true but she generally tries to avoid sounding like her parents so instead she quirks an eyebrow. "What do you think? You lied to the _police_, James! This is serious."

"Not that!" he almost snaps. "The _other _thing."

Natasha blinks. "What?"

Bucky looks like he wants to hit something. "You _know_?" he snarls. "The other thing."

For a moment Natasha stares at him. "James, why would I be mad at you for that?" (Not like she hadn't worked it out a long time ago- well, not the Steve thing but the liking guys thing.)

"Because it's _wrong_." he spits through gritted teeth. Then his eyes go wide, "Don't tell mom and dad. Please, Tasha, don't tell mom and dad!" And he sounds so honestly terrified that she takes a few steps back.

"I don't want them to send me back," he whispers. "I _can't _be sent back."

_Oh. _

"I won't tell them, James," she says soothingly. "But it won't matter to them. It doesn't matter to me either, you know that."

"It'll matter to _them,_" he spits. "Your Dad wanted the perfect son. Instead he got me."

"That's not true, James," she says quietly.

He looks unconvinced but this is a long conversation that can be left for another day (when they aren't shacked up in a motel on a legally questionable road trip) "We need to talk about what you said to Loki."

Bucky stands up, clenches his jaw.

"Don't be a child."

He glares at her, "He was pissing me off Tasha, you know how he is! Poor little rich kid doesn't get enough of daddy's love and money!"

"_James,_" she says sharply.

"Oh, don't act all high and mighty, you hated it too!"

Natasha exhales heavily. "But I didn't hate _him_. And you don't either. Why did you lie to the police, James?"

"Was easier then telling the truth," he mumbles.

"Which was?"

"That I was a dick."

She snorts, "Well that's nothing new." She says playfully.

He looks up at her sharply but his expression softens when he sees her small smile. "I didn't want to get in trouble." He says quietly. "I just didn't want to get in trouble..."

She thinks about the little bag of white powder she found in his drawers, "Why did you think you'd get in to trouble?"

"They'd find out about me and Tony," Bucky mumbles. "And the- you know."

"The drugs?" she asks curtly.

He flinches at the word, "Yeah, Tasha, the drugs." He says all harsh vowels and cutting consonants. "They'd tell mom and dad and I'd be sent back for sure."

"Oh, James. You know they wouldn't," she says softly but she can tell by the look in his eyes that he truly believes they will. It's sort of heart-breaking. "You're my brother," she says firmly. "You're their son. You won't get sent back."

Bucky stares at her for a long time but when he finally looks about to say something they're interrupted by Clint barging carrying foam containers of food and beckoning them in to the other room. They follow and Natasha murmers a curse in Russian. In the other room Natasha seats herself between Bruce and Clint as Bucky drops back down on to one of the beds and looks away from her, tight lipped

"The diner did do take away!" Clint crows.

Natasha wrinkles her nose as they unpack the cartons. "Did you manage to get anything not swimming in grease?"

"Got you a salad, Nat," he says, handing her a specially marked container. "And, a chocolate shake." He waggles it invitingly.

Natasha glares at him (that shake is probably the worst thing she can drink right now- full of calories and fat and ugh) but she takes the shake anyway (damn him, damn him to _hell_) because chocolate is awesome. For a few minutes they wolf down their meals in silence, it's the first real food they've had all day, but then Steve, much to Natasha's annoyance decides to break it.

"So, this thing about Bucky lying to the cops..." he says casually. "What actually happened there?"

He's met with silence until Tony speaks, "Come on, Buck, share with the class."

Bucky makes a low growling noise and Natasha glares at Tony, "Stark, leave it." she snaps.

Steve makes this weird expression that looks like a mix between doubt and concern, "No, Natasha, with all due respect I want to hear the full story." He twists slightly so he's facing Bucky and Bucky swallows thickly.

"What happened there, Buck?" Steve asks gently and it feels all wrong. Steve and Bucky were never _gentle _together, not that she saw anyway. They were rough and tumble, good red-blooded American boys, playful and snarky and like best friends are meant to be. Now Steve was treating Bucky like he was made of glass, like he was something to be approached with caution.

Bucky notices it too. "I don't-" he mumbles thickly, "I just..." he stares at Steve dumbly for a few seconds and there's a hot curl of anger building in Natasha's chest.

"Steve-" she begins, intending to fill him in and at least save Bucky the embarrassment of spelling in front of everyone but Tony cuts her off.

"Stop defending him, Natasha! He lied to the fucking _police_. He could have saved everyone a lot of hassle if he wasn't such an asshole and now you're acting like _I'm _the bad guy here!"

She turns to him, ready to launch a tirade of angry curses but Bucky stands up, "Fuck this, I'm going to bed." He mutters.

"What?" Tony says, smiling charmingly, "You don't want to sleep in here with Steve?"

Bucky pales, Steve reddens and Natasha snaps, raising her fist to Tony's face. It's caught by Clint before it can make contact and when she opens her mouth she's cut off by Bruce snapping, "Why the hell are you being such a dick about this, Tony?"

Everyone falls silent because it's _Bruce _who's shouting. Calm, collected, quiet Bruce who doesn't hate or hurt anyone. Right now he doesn't look like that Bruce. His jaw is clenched, his eyes are dark with rage, his fists are clenched, he looks for all the world like a man about to explode.

"Whoa, Bruce," Tony says, holding up his hands. "Easy there big guy, calm down."

"_No_. I will not calm down!" Bruce yells. "You're all acting like fucking children and it's driving me fucking _insane._" He stands up, "Tony stop being such a petty fuck, Bucky sit the hell down, Natasha control yourself and CLINT STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN."

Clint's mouth clicks shuts, Tony's hangs open and Bucky drops back on to the bed, eyes wide. Natasha just stares.

Bruce massages his temples, "Shit guys, I'm sorry." He sits down shakily. "I just...A lot of stress, you know."

Steve smiles weakly, "It's alright buddy, you're right. We were being childish. I'm sorry."

Clint nods, opens his mouth, closes it again and swallows, "Sorry, Bruce."

"Sorry," Tony mutters sounding anything but.

Natasha looks away stormily. So maybe what Bucky's done is serious but that doesn't give Tony leeway to be a complete dick to her brother. "I'm sorry, Bruce." she huffs.

Bruce smiles feebly. "It's okay, I'm sorry."

Natasha looks up to where Bucky is still sitting on the bed; white knuckled clenching the sheet and trembling a little. "James?"

Steve turns too, "Bucky?" he stands up, frowning, "You okay, buddy?" He reaches out but Bucky flinches away.

"_Don't_," he buries his face in his hands. "Sorry," he murmers, "Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just need some air, okay?" He pushes off the bed and stumbles out of the door, shutting it soundly behind him. Steve stares after him for a few moments, looking a little lost, he turns to them briefly before following Bucky. Natasha moves to follow them but Clint holds her back, shaking his head.

"Wait a little bit, Tasha." He says quietly.

* * *

Clint and Natasha leave a few minutes after Steve and Bucky and for a few moments Tony just sits. _He's really fucked this up. _

"Guess we better clean this up," Bruce says slightly awkwardly, beginning to collect up the empty food containers. Tony nods and sweeps the containers nearest him into the empty plastic bag nearby. He glances up at Bruce briefly.

Until today he'd never seen Bruce loose it in such a big way.

"Bruce, are you sure you're okay?"

Bruce looks over at him and smiles reassuringly, "I'm fine, Tone. Really."

Tony bites his lip, "I'm sorry, Bruce."

"Tony, it's fine, really. Are _you _okay?"

Tony sighs. "Yes...No...I don't know. I'm just so fucking worried about Loki and then Bucky goes and tells me that and...Shit, I was wrong to tell Steve about him wasn't I?"

Bruce grimaces, "Yeah, but what he did was serious, you were just angry."

"Still shouldn't have done it," Tony murmers. "Hey, what did Peter have to say anyway?"

"They've got police investigating in New York right now, haven't found anything yet though."

"Yeah, well that's 'cos they don't know Loki like we do." Tony says.

Bruce nods, tying up their now full rubbish bag. "Do you really think we'll find him?" he asks quietly.

Tony's heart sinks a little. He knows Natasha thinks Loki's dead and that this is useless, he knows Steve and Clint are probably just going along with this to keep him happy but he always thought Bruce at least would have some faith.

"Of course we will, big guy." He says but he's not entirely sure how much he believes it anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: **it's been a while, sorry! Meant to get this up over Christmas but _things. _ANYWAY so this is Tasha's pov again because gender equality. I think there'll be maybe four more chapters (Bruce and Steve's) Thinking of doing Steve's next (I promise i won't make it all about Bucky) :P

Thanks a bunch for all the feedback :D

All mistakes are my own!

* * *

The sheets in the motel are scratchy and Tasha's one hundred percent sure she can feel bed bugs moving around beneath her. Clint's snoring beside her (they both decided it would be better to give Bucky some space) he's sprawled out like a kid, one arm slung loosely across her waist and she doesn't have the heart to shake him off. They've slept together before, this isn't anything new, but it's the first time they've been the only two in the bed together.

She rolls to face him, jostles his arm and he smiles slightly as he pulls her closer. Despite herself she grins. Maybe it could work between her and Clint. He wasn't like most of the guys she'd met. He understood her, saw her for everything, not just her looks and he didn't seem to expect anything from her. He was just content to just_ be_ with her. Even if she didn't reciprocate.

She rolls over again, presses her back to his chest. His arm tightens around her.

On the other bed Bucky's balled up, twitching slightly in his sleep. She wonders, not for the first time, what he dreams about. He whines a little and grimaces and she decides she doesn't want to know.

"You still awake?" Clint murmurs, grip going slack.

Tasha pretends she doesn't miss it, "Did I wake you?" She tries not to sound too apologetic, that's not exactly her style.

He hums sleepily and rolls away from her. "We have to be up at stupid o'clock, stop thinking and go to sleep." She sighs, he tuts, "You know it's okay to be pissed at Tony, right? He's an asshole. But what Bucky did was way worse than what Tony did."

Natasha tenses, "Bucky made a mistake. Tony did that just to be a vindictive little shit."

Clint chuckles at that so she aims a sharp kick at his shins. Clint swears, "Now who's being a vindictive little shit?"

Tasha growls. "Wouldn't you be angry? If Tony had done something like that to Barney?"

Clint snorts, "Barney is a delinquent asshole but I suppose, yeah I would be pissed. But think about it, Bucky's info could have been useful. Maybe they woulda focused less on investigating Odin. They might have caught up with him."

He's right. As usual. She sighs again, "You really still think he's alive?"

Clint grins. "Go to sleep, Tasha."

* * *

Tony wakes up to the soft early morning sunlight pouring through the net curtains of the motel windows. He yawns, stretches, enjoys the few sleepy moments before reality comes back to him. Bruce and Steve are still asleep, their snores the only sound filling the room.

He thinks back to his first few days in Malibu, he had sat beside Bruce in chemistry and his eyes had strayed far too often to Loki, sat at the front of the class. "I wouldn't, if I were you." Bruce had said after a few lessons.

Tony had scoffed, "Neither would I, if I looked you." (Not his proudest moment but that had been back when Tony had been a spoilt rich brat – his inner Loki snorts, _like you're any different now_.) Bruce hadn't even batted an eyelid. Tasha had been sitting behind them, she'd leant forward and kicked Tony's stool out from under him much to the class's amusement.

"_Apologise._" She'd said simply.

Tony had snarked and glowered and been sent to the principal's office for using some very un-gentlemanly words. Fury had quirked his eyebrows when Tony had swaggered in and dropped his father's name into the conversation and Fury had chuckled and showed Tony what was what. Suffice to say Tony had apologised next lesson.

Bruce had smiled warmly, "No worries, I was the new kid once too. Beside if you hadn't apologised I was looking forward to Loki's brother beating you half to death to defend Loki's honour. Or at least for Tasha to kick you about some more."

Tony had raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm glad you decided to be the bigger man here, Banner."

And Bruce had laughed.

Tony smiles at the memory. It feels like so long ago.

He'd started hanging out with the other's pretty quickly after that, hurriedly agreeing with Bruce when he'd seen Thor for the first time on the football field ploughing through the opposite team like a hot knife through butter. He wonders how Thor is doing, if Howard's even noticed he's gone yet.

He'd left a note on the fridge but there was no guarantee his father had read it.

He should call.

He swings himself out of the bed and grabs his phone off the bedside table. _6:15_, the little screen blinks. Far too early for anyone sane to be up but still, he can at least leave a message.

He pulls on a pair of jeans and a clean top and slips out of the room quietly. The morning air is pleasantly cool; it's almost enough to make him start being more of a morning person. Almost. Not quite though. He's just about to dial the number when he notices Tasha reclining elegantly against the wall between their two doors, a cigarette dangling loosely from her mouth.

"Stark," she greets.

"Romanoff. Those things will kill you, you know."

Tasha flicks the cigarette away and Tony is suddenly very aware that she could very probably snap his neck. "Wasn't there a Russian dynasty of Romanoff's?" he asks idly.

She quirks her mouth up into what might pass for a smirk. "That was Roman_ov._"

"Right," Tony says, "Because that's different."

Tasha's smile slips inelegantly from her lips. "You know Stark, what you did to my brother yesterday was low even for you."

Tony swallows. "He lied to the police, Natasha. I'm not sorry for what I said."

"You should be," she growls.

A hot flash of anger coils its way through Tony's stomach. "What part of _lying _to the _police_ don't you get, Romanoff?"

She looks like she's about to hit him but she must think better of it because instead she pushes off the wall and stalks back into the other room. Tony barely bites back the urge to shout something after her and dials his father's number.

* * *

When they pile back into the best up old van Bucky slides into the driver's seat, Steve stares at him for a bit before he nods and rides shotgun. After that the drive is awkwardly quiet until Clint suggests a game of I-Spy which some hoe degenerates into a quiet shouting match between him and Tasha over whether or not 'wind' is allowed to be used.

By the time they pull into the motel just outside of NYC Tony is about ready to kill someone. Or at least take a leaf out of his dad's book and drink the anger away.

Not that he can do either because it's like, illegal.

Bruce comes in with him to pay for the rooms, he went for two again because yeah, he could afford one each but he isn't exactly feeling generous right then. The guy at the counter is overweight, bald, has some serious body odour issues and _godammit _he hums when Tony signs his name.

"Stark? _Stark? _Now where've I heard that before?"

Tony rolls his eyes, "Game of Thrones, perhaps?"

The guy gives him an amused look. "Naw, it weren't there. I don't watch that shit, way too complicated."

"Well, dads a little famous," Tony sighs.

The man nods, "Ya don't say." But then he has a sudden epiphany, "AH! I got it! You guys wait here a second..." He ducks into the room behind the counter.

"Think he wants your autograph, Tone?" Bruce asks, grinning quietly at Tony's side.

Tony shakes his head. This is the last thing he needs. When the man reemerges he's brandishing an envelope, "Some kid stayed here a few weeks back. Left this."

Tony snatches the envelope from the man, rips it open.

"Loki?" Bruce asks, eyes wide.

"Think so."

"What's it say?"

"_Guy's,_" Tony reads, "_If you're reading this you've some how managed to follow me out here, God knows how but I'm assuming it wasn't strictly legal. I'm also assuming Tony's paying because this is the fanciest motel for miles. Here's the thing: I want you to stop following me. Even though I know you won't. This is something I need to do guys and I'm not coming back until I've done it. I don't expect you to understand just know that I'll come back and if I don't well, hopefully I'm better off."_

Bruce raises his eyebrows, "We need to tell the others."

"Definitely."

* * *

It's Clint who breaks the silence after Tony's done reading, "So what? He's out here looking for something?"

"Could be," Bruce nods.

"He just found out he was adopted, he's probably looking for his parents." Steve points out.

"Someone needs to tell Thor about this," Tasha murmurs.

Steve stands up, "Absolutely." He draws out his mobile and steps out of the room. Like magic Bucky sighs and relaxes. Tony glares at him and Bucky looks away.

"If he's looking for his parents in New York he musta seen something about them, right? I mean why else would he come half way across the country?" Clint says.

"Yeah, maybe that's what he was arguing about with his dad that night?" Tony suggests, it makes sense right? Loki finds out he's adopted, stews for a few weeks before trying to find out who his real parents were.

Bruce frowns, "Wouldn't it have made more sense for him to have, you know, found out who they were legally rather than running away?"

"You can't," Bucky says from his corner, everyone turns to him. He sighs, picking absently at a frayed hole in his jeans. "Not until you're eighteen, anyway. And even then it's only if the parents gave their consent. _Normally _anyway."

"Normally?" Tony repeats, eyes narrowed. Maybe there's a little mire bite than necessary but Tony's pretty sure Bucky deserves it.

Bucky gives them an exasperated look, "This is _Odin _we're talking about here."

"He's got a point," Bruce frowns. "This _is _Odin. What if this isn't a normal adoption?"

Tony snorts, "What like he _kidnapped _him or something?" But then he stops and thinks. "Holy shit."


	10. Steve

**AN: **I know, I know it's been a while. Next chappy New York!

* * *

Steve steps back into the room, pocketing his mobile. Thor had been ecstatic threatening to come join them but Steve had managed to convince him to stay put just in case. They're sat in a circle, Bucky on one of the beds. He tenses as soon as Steve steps in and Steve inwardly growls. _This isn't right._

"So if Odin kidnapped him..." Bruce begins, falters a little and continues, "If Odin kidnapped what are we thinking? He steals him, falsifies the documents and then what? Goes to England until the heat dies down?"

If Steve were capable of coherent thought right now he might suggest that even someone like Odin wouldn't steal a kid... Right? I mean sure, he gets that Odin isn't the best guy around, he's heard about his shady underworld from Thor but running drugs and guns and laundering money and _kidnap _are two completely separate categories. The again he remembers Thor mentioning that his Dad had changed a lot since he was young. Maybe Odin had been capable of kidnap once upon a time.

"Could be," Tasha nods. "So he must have taken Loki from a rival, right? I mean he had Thor, why kidnap a kid randomly? Maybe we need to start there."

There's this awkward silence in which Steve's betting their all trying to picture a gang war going _that _wrong. The trouble is aside from Odin he's fairly certain none of them know of any other crime family that Odin could have been warring with. He glances around at them: Bruce is too good a kid, Tony's too wrapped up in his own Father's rivals to worry about the ones on the wrong side of the law, Clint's brother maybe but Steve thinks Tasha keeps Clint's nose out of trouble and then there's Bucky. Up until a few days ago Steve would have dismissed Bucky as easily as the others but now? He tries to catch his best friend's eyes but Bucky's gaze is fixed on the floor.

Steve's fairly sure life couldn't be more messed up right now if it tried.

"Buck?" He says gently. Bucky tenses more (if that's at all possible) and his fists clench, "You know anything?" He doesn't want to say it. Doesn't want to say _do you happen to know anything because of your coke habit? _Because right now he's sort of pretending that didn't happen (because _god _how did he not see it? How did he not see _any _of it?)

Bucky inclines his head, "I dunno...Maybe." Tasha reaches back to pat his leg, slung over the each of the bed and Bucky takes a deep breath. "The guy I... The guy I buy from - he used to work for this guy called Luffy? Laffee? Something like that... Anyway, apparently he used to be a real big deal. Got knocked down a few notches fifteen years ago now. Now he's pretty small. Heard he's based in Brooklyn now, trying to get back in the game. Could be him right?" He looks up nervously and it breaks Steve's heart a little. (When did this start happening?)

"That's good, Buck." Steve says, smiling as encouragingly as he can, Bucky's gaze drops back to the bed spread and Tony's pulling out his laptop and booting it up.

"If he used to be a big time criminal there'll be something on the web about him," he says, by way of explanation.

"Good idea," Steve nods. "So we head to Brooklyn, hope he's somewhere obvious?"

"He won't be," Tony mutters. "If Loki doesn't want to be found he won't be unless we look really hard."

Steve sighs, he's right. Of course he's right. Loki was hard enough to find in their tiny school when he was bunking classes, Steve can't imagine trying find that kid in New York.

"I've got my friends on the look out," Tony says as he taps away. "We can stay with Rhodey too so we don't have to worry about bed bugs anymore."

Bruce is leaning over and directing Tony's search and Steve's mind wanders back to Bucky. They've been best friends since _forever. _Steve knew Bucky way back when he was that kid with clothes two sizes too big who lived in the children's home down the road. He'd known Bucky through each foster family, each new hope, each crushing defeat as they shipped him back to the children's home. The other kids used to tease Bucky about but he fought back to hard for it to make a real impact and Steve was still that scrawny kid with asthma who got pushed around even more and fought back just as hard. He guesses they bonded over that. Their inability to back down. He thinks they're all like that, all these kids he calls his friends. Bruce and Clint with their crappy dads, Tony with his big gaping wound where tenderness should be that he covers up with sarcasm, Tasha with her fuck-you-you-who-cares-if-I'm-a-woman attitude, Thor who's so desperate to keep his family together, Loki and apparently Bucky who're fucking messes but keep going. Steve feels a little in awe of them.

"Laufey," Tony says eventually. "Laufey Jotunheim," he looks up at Bucky. "That sound right?" When Bucky nods Tony and Bruce pour over the laptop screen. "He was arrested in '95. That's the year Loki was born right? No mention of a kid though..." He spins the laptop and they're faced with the image of a man so pale his skin is almost translucent. His hair is close cropped, dark from what Steve can tell and his eyes are this warm brown colour that look almost red against the pallor of his skin. There's something of Loki in the smirk that's playing across his lips. He thinks Tasha sees it too.

"Shit," she breaths. "Shit. Is this real? Do we really Odin kidnapped him?"

"Well from what it says in that report Odin might have been saving him," Bruce says, readjusting his glasses. "Laufey sounds like a nasty piece of work."

"So, what if he actually finds the guy?" Clint asks.

And Steve takes a deep breath because he's been thinking the same thing. "Look," he says, as steadily as possible. "Loki would be worth more alive to him than dead."

"Unless he wants to hurt Odin, then surely he'd be happier to kill him," Clint counters unhelpfully. Tasha cuffs him and he looks genuinely surprised.

"Well if that was the plan they'd have found a body," Steve says. "I mean Laufey would want Odin to know."

"There haven't been any ransom demands either," Tasha adds. "So Loki must not have found him yet."

"That's a good thing," Tony says, "Definitely a good thing."

Steve's about to suggest they start figuring out a plan for how they're going to find Loki but Bucky interrupts, his voice cutting across the room sharply, "_Or _Laufey was pretty happy when his long lost son came back to him and he and Loki are playing happy families."

Steve sighs and Tony glares at Bucky, "The fuck is wrong with you? This guy is a dangerous fucking criminal and you're trying to make him out to be father of the year."

"I didn't say that-" Bucky protests and Steve stands up, he is _not _dealing with this again.

"Enough!" He snaps and like before when Bruce yelled Bucky's gaze drops and the fight vanishes from him immediately (and its disturbing in so many more ways than Steve can count but right now he needs them both relatively calm.) "This isn't going to help Loki. We need to stay calm. Buck's theory is valid, Tony. Laufey might be overjoyed, I mean that's what Loki wrote isn't it? That he might be better off?"

"He's a _criminal,_" Tony growls.

"So's Odin," Tasha points out.

"And he's a better dad than mine ever was," Clint adds.

Tony grinds his teeth but says nothing and Bucky stands up and stalks outside (again.)

"Guess we better call it a night," Steve says wearily, getting up to follow Bucky.

* * *

Tony glares after Bucky and hopes the fucker feels it (he knows that's a bit of a stretch but he _deserves _it) Clint and Tasha leave for their room and Tony's left alone with Bruce who's watching him closely.

"It wouldn't be so bad," Bruce says quietly as Tony's brushing his teeth (it seems absurd to be doing something so _normal _after uncovering a potential kidnapping case) "If Laufey was happy to see Loki, I mean. It's better than the alternative anyway."

Tony drops his toothbrush with a clatter. "I just hope he hasn't found him yet." He says, striding back in to the main room.

"What are you so afraid of?" Bruce asks softly. "If Loki's happier here then..."

Tony cuts him off, "No, he's -" but he pauses because _he's not allowed to be _sounds a little too selfish but he has no idea how to phrase it. "It's just we're his family, Bruce. Why does he need anyone else? What about us and Thor? What about school? What about the tree house? What about-" he falters before he says _me._

Bruce quirks a eyebrow, "You've got it bad, huh?"

Tony's always known Bruce was too sharp to hide things from.

* * *

Bucky's sat on the roof of the van, gazing up at the clouded sky. "Fuck off, Steve." He says after a few moments and damn, he sounds like the old Bucky, _Steve's _Bucky.

Steve leans up against the side, "Free country, Buck." At least he's talking this time. Last time he followed Bucky out they sat in silence until Bucky had stood up and left. Steve scrambles around for something to say but luckily Bucky saves him.

"You guys don't get it," he says quietly.

Steve looks up, "Hm?"

"You don't get what it's like to not know where you come from." He clarifies. "To not know who you are. It's weird. You feel like stuff like that shouldn't matter but it does. It eats at you. There's this little voice that tells you don't belong and it just... You spend a lot of time wondering who they were, why they gave you up, why you weren't good enough. Who you'd be if they hadn't."

This is a taboo topic between them. They don't talk about the things that really matter, not usually anyway.

Bucky swallows, "If it means anything now, I'm sorry."

Steve blinks, "Sorry for what, Buck?"

"For fucking up," he huffs, rubs a hand across his eyes. "For... I didn't mean it, Steve."

Steve really wants to hug him right now and tell him that none of that matters to him and he'll still be there for him and all that crap but he can't reach Bucky up there and his mouth has chosen this moment to stop cooperating. "It's okay, Buck." He says thickly.

Bucky takes a deep breathe, "I don't have any idea what to do, Steve." He says quietly.

And Steve steps back from the van to look up at Bucky better, "We'll deal with it, okay? We'll deal with it all once we've found Loki."

Bucky turns to him, "Right." He says stiffly. "After Loki."


End file.
